I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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