i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Green mimosas i think yes
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
