tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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