I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
