The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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