im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
