Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
