Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Quick, to the slutcave!
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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