I'm drive I can fine osifer
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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