You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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