I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
