he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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