Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
