yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
