I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
