New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
