I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize