Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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