I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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