Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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