Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
