You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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