You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize