Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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