Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
