They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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