story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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