so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
