u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
cat food counts as protein by the way
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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