i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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