the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
