She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
