So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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