I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
