dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
