There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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