mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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