You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
