i think my tv is drunk
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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