so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
