Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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