Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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