You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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