The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
