You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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