this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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