She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
