Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
