my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
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