I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
