just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
