So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
