yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
