a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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