this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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