OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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