life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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