census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
