I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
