suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize