i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
