I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
